Dear diary,

It’s dawn. I feel my heart real weak again. I’m fed up with this kinda life I’m having right now. But, I can’t help it.

I think I need more time. I kept telling myself, get rid of him from my life. The more I tell myself that, the more I get the feeling of a stab on my heart. This is what happens, when you lost love.

Today was Media Planning’s paper. I think I did badly. It suppose to be an easy one but I can’t concentrate, there’re so many things in my mind. I forgot to look through cost per thousand and I screw that 6 marks there! It’s sad and hard to go through this. The more things I ruined and screw up in life, the more I put a blame on myself. I’m trying really hard but I think I’m at the peak.

S&S marks were out too. I get a dissatisfying marks and the worst thing about it is that a huge percentage is allocated for it.

Today, I feel that I really screw up the papers, I knew I’m gonna have a real bad result for this sem. I dare not even think about it. Thinking about it just makes me weak.

At this point of life, I’m hopeless, down and depressed.

Dear diary,

I thought I’m recovering but the fact is, I’m not.

I just woke up from my 2 hours nap. I had tons of bad dreams.

I dreamed of the times we had together. and inside my dream, we broke up once more.

This feeling is killing me and it is now dawn, my weakest momment. When the sky turn black from blue, my mood fluctuates and I always end up in the bottom of a mathematical curve.

I’m stucked in a corner; my work station, listening to a tons of minor keys soundtracks. Ya, that’s making me feel worse.

The smell of cologne fills my room, it’s from downstairs. I suppose it’s the bachelorette from the downstairs unit getting ready for a date.

I’m trying hard to remember my recent happiness, the greatness of my stranger and my family that needs me very much. Those are the only things that makes me strong. I’ll seek for more.

I hope I was in yesterday night, Budweisser makes me feel good.

But in my life, I kept reminding myself, I shouldn’t have any hopes anymore.

I think I need to prevent myself from having afternoon naps from now on. It’s making me sick.

Dear diary,

If I’m given a chance to talk to you, I just wanna tell you:

Dear diary,

It has been a hard night.

Currently, not only one problem that’s strangling me, there are new ones coming one after another.

Every time I’m in the process of recovering, something would happen to weaken me.

God, when is all this going to end? I really had difficulties coping with these challenges. Can you give me a break?

When I say my only courage is my friends & family, I really mean it. They mean a lot to me. I can afford to lose love but I can’t afford to lose my friends or family.

Please don’t bring them away from me. I really need them, at least for now.

Dear diary,

I never in my life, blogged so often.

Probably I just need someone to talk to, that’s one way to keep myself strong.

I ban music in my life. I’m scared of listening to music because I don’t know what will it remind me of.

Having a quiet life is really depressing but that’s the only way for me to suppress my emotions. The only sound I have in my life now is the ambient sound. I depend on it very much.

LRT passing by outside the window, cars moving, passer-by walking on the street, TV sound from the living; those are bits of noises that some may find it annoying. But to me now, I can’t live without it.

My emotions fluctuates depending on it. In conjunction with MATTA Fair, there’re lots of people coming, it makes me feel better but always when night approaches, people leave and I began to feel depressed. Hence, night is my weakest momment.

Dear diary,

It has been a week and so that my life is perceived as “terrible”.

Yes, it is terrible.

Everybody keep reminding me about my priority-exam and I’m also reminding myself about it. what I’m going through now is so hard. but I know it’s not the hardest thing in world yet. the thing is my emotions just come to me at times that I don’t even know when.

but, i need to learn to control my thoughts and emotions so that it won’t come to me randomly.

You’re not worth my sorrow. i regret for loving you.

Dear diary,

Sometimes I need people to tell me or remind me of what am I suppose to do or to feel right now.

You’re right, Chin li. All of this is don’t worth my sadness. After listening to other people’s difficult stories, I think I’m not alone. There’re people that is also struggling in life but they made through it. It reminds to be strong. You’re my stranger. Your words really made an impact in me.

Thanks to all my friends that truly care for me. you guys are my courage to go on with my terrible and difficult life.

Yes, this is so hard to go through. It affects me too much. But after this, I’m gonna be a stronger person. And thanks to all of you that are willing to accompany me throughout this hard road.

You’re my pain and I must forget about you. Just give me some time. I’m not sure how long and how many times more I will “broke down”. But I’m sure I will stand up very quickly, bravely, especially with the courage of friends.

Dear diary,

It’s a windy morning with tender sunlight.

I never had a good night’s sleep. I nearly fainted…I just feel like my heart can’t bear this sadness anymore. It’s tight, beating fast and my head is spinning. When I looked into the mirror, my lips are white.

I shouldn’t have call you. Your insistence to break up really broken my heart.

Nobody can help me but myself. I know, I know that’s the fact but I’m struggling to do that.

I know I need to be strong but how?

I feel like I’m being controlled by my emotions. It’s really the hardest time of my life.

I don’t believe in love anymore. I just want somebody that cares for me and accept me for who I am.

I only wish, my tears will drop as much as possible. because that also means i’m letting out more sadness. The sad thing is, i now have trouble crying. I don’t know why, no matter how sad I am, my tears won’t drop anymore. I force it out but i really can’t cry. I’m soaked with the sadness and it’s making me sick.

I went down to the poolside just now. The wind beat on my face. I feel better. But, I can’t depend on running away from home, from my room. it’s where i belong. but now, it’s filled with sorrow.

Dear diary,

I’m feeling a bit sad and so I opened some photos of me and my friends. Now, the only reason for me to live is my family, friends & myself.

That night was my happiest night. We eat, laugh and chat about everything. We also have the cam-whoring sessions. I really enjoy joking around with my friends. Although I’m sad that night but I still manage to temporarily forget about my sadness because I was so occupied talking and laughing loudly. It is the only night I’ve my appetite over so many days.

And now I lost my appetite – a sign of depression.

I really miss my friends so much…
Can there be another dinner like this?
Perhaps after some time…
Good things don’t happen always…

Dear diary,

It all ended. ya, I’m single again. Not a big deal anyway. I’m born single.

I’ve just talked to a few friends. They really helped me a lot. At least after I lost you, I know that I have a brunch of true friends that care for me.

A friend of my sis came. He’s kind enough to treat me a drink. Really nice of him! Thanks…

The words of my friends really mean a lot to me, it really helps in healing my broken heart.