Dear diary,

It was the last day of uni. it was rainy…rushy…slashy.

Finally, the semester has now come to an end. finals await.

The relief is not as strong; it’s bitter with a pinch of grief and the unwillingness to part.

some thoughts towards the finals – I’m extremely worry of my film appreciation sub. not solely of the assignment. but of it as an whole. as a result of my compelling act, you told me the truth. in fact, i dearly need to know the truth. thnx.

i said i don’t give it a damm, it is a lie. but it’s never your fault, really.
it’s not too good a day afterall.

with a scotching heart, i decided not to stay home despite my exahustion. Hence, call-up a great friend and off we went to my 2nd home. christmas decor are partly done. can’t help but to pose with it.

after the cake and duper-pricey Grapetiser drink, I was too tired for anything … and so headed back home on midnight.

had a good night’s sleep. it’s now 12:48pm already.
i’m gonna work out my plans for this uber-lovely Saturday.

Dear diary,

It’s a Thursday afternoon. I’ve skipped classes for 2 days straight.
I don’t feel too good about it. in fact, i love attending lectures (yea, i’m a weirdo)…
and since this is the last week of uni already, i feel very much about missing lectures.

on the downside, deadlines are choking me to an unbearable level.
truly,madly,deeply, last minute is no fun at all.

2 mighty grand assignment due on this coming Friday.
breaking it down into segments, it’s actually 5 – tv news script, tv prod report, radio prod report, tv news clip, film appreciation. see, there’s 5 dumb things altogether!

I better get back to work now.

Dear diary,

2:07am, my night has just begun.

There’s a thousand deadlines-due on Friday itself. it’s freaking me out, very much.
Sleep no more; freedom no more for the rest of this week.

dragged my fav songs to the list…and off I set to work.
i love how silent the night is. but i hate the fact that everyone’s asleep. the lonesome kills.

In fact, this ‘torture’ will end very soon. soon enough, i will get no more of this.
But, crazily speaking, i yearn for this life and love this life. i don’t want it to end so fast.

damm, the songs in my list are gliding towards the minor tone, which i love but not a good choice for this hour. Your indifference ensued.

i gotta FOCUS! sway, sway away from grief. you’re not the reason i live.

Dear diary,

3:48am, i can’t sleep.

i’m eating again. junkies & orange juice.

am pitching my speech. on 2nd thought, i’ll just leave it and be spontaneous.

it sux to be sleepless. i want more orange juice.

i found a song. that clicks with my state.

it’s ‘Hot and Cold’ by Katy Perry.

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you’re no good for me

‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don’t really wanna stay, no
You, but you don’t really wanna go, oh

‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now’s a dead battery
Used to laugh ’bout nothing
Now you’re plain boring
I should know
That you’re not gonna change

‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don’t really wanna stay, no
You, but you don’t really wanna go, oh

You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can’t get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don’t really wanna stay, no
You, but you don’t really wanna go, oh

You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in and you’re out
You’re up and you’re down, down, down, down…

Dear diary,

There supposed to be a presentation this morning. but it was cancelled. i received this news on 5am. t’was … so last minute cancellation!

I did not have a good night’s sleep. i slept on the couch, I miss my bed…
My granny is here.. i made her sleep on my bed…she’s the one who took care of me when i was young. now it’s my turn to take care of her.

it’s 10:32am. i just ate cereals. what should I do now ? i’m stoned…darn stoned.

a long warm bath will be it.

Dear diary,

it’s a fucking morning.
indeed, it has been a fucking week.
I’m not lovin’ it at all.

my heart is bleeding, in a way you can never imagine.

i just wanna go away.

Dear diary,

Nowadays, food has topped my priority.

I crave for anything deli.
I spent hell a lot of $ on food.
I wanna gain weight, but I wanna save up too. how do I go about ?

I had lunch in Rak Thai, The Gardens this afternoon. I missed class simply because it’s lunch hour and I’m hungry.

and also … because … i overslept. 12 hours straight of sleeping.

the interior

There is this lunch set inclusive of one main course, one appetizer and one drink at the price of RM12.90++.

Lemongrass

Appetizer.
Celery is part of the roll – which I happen to not like.

Thai Specialty. there’s a lil’ sweetness in this which turns me down.

Thai Style Belacan Fried Rice. Too small a portion.

Dear diary,

Haven’t been posting lately. I was so bothered, rugged & worn-out.
A sombre shadow casted over me for weeks, I sink low and fall by the wayside.
It’s a pain to think about.

Many worried, many concerned. Thanks loads.

the memories once so sweet now flickers.
it doesn’t matter anymore, you killed my fervour.

I shall end my rotting lifestyle.
it’s year-end; it’s my fav season, it’ll be Christmas soon;
I wanna craft the crescendo of my history.

The following post is specially dedicated to my dear sis.

13.11.08 – my dear mom’s birthday.

We celebrated a lil’ at home.

I bought lilies and purple roses for mom. What drives me ?

I remember mom expressing her grief of seldom receiving flowers; as a girl, as a lady, as a woman.

she loves tulips. My initial plan was to grab some random tulips, ribbon-tied, without a bouquet. But,silly enough, where in the hell do they sell tulips in malaysia. do they ?

On her birthday morning, i pass her a card with a lil’ of my amateur drawing, with all koh’s members signature as usual ( i did yours for u)… she was happy i know it because she thought no one remembers her birthday. in fact, no one did, except me. i reminded everyone (of the koh’s).

I suggested that we should eat-out that night. she responded like an economist, “it’s time to save up dear. recession is on its way.” and so, she kept herself busy so that we can’t date her for the extravagant dinner.

but, it’s her birthday! we shouldn’t call it a day just like that. hence, i bought a cake and surprised her when she’s back from work at around 10pm. that is also when the flower surprises are revealed.

looks like i’m more fancied than her about the flowers and cake. it doesn’t matter, as long as i created the memories…. for her.

as always, wish u were here.

Dear diary,

3:16am. i smell rain.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to patch-up my broken pieces of life, heart, whatever.

i saw MAS Global Online Sales ad in the papers today.
should I or should I not ?
truly madly deeply, i yearn for a getaway. especially on the month of December. especially on my state of recovery.

excuses. i just love to travel.

but the amount might turn out enormous, upon addition of tax.
it’s just a gimmick. it’s just a dream… that won’t come true.

tonight is a simple night.

indeed, i’ve been trying very hard to minimize my thoughts of the -ve goings.
always, it’s your choice – whether joy or sorrow. again, it’s easier said than done.
my mind says rational; but my heart says the other.
but still, i’ve been very determined, for the better of me.

thoughts thoughts thoughts that kill.
somehow, hopes kill too.
eliminate them and i’ll be fine.

watched 家好月圆 over dinner.
fall asleep on 9pm.
wide awake on 3am.

Dear diary,

I hate my life very much.

I tried to save it once, twice, trice… but I failed miserably.

I live in depression for like one month and so. and I’m tired of it already.

it’s often contradictory. I don’t like it but why am I in it ?
Please i need to revamp and not stay like this.

If I’m granted a wish, I really really wish to sit in a plane and jet off for a week or two. Now, right now. I don’t wanna be in this anymore. maybe you think jetting off is an act of avoidance, maybe it is. but it is a method of healing too, a good one.

it is the last segment of my uni life and I can’t believe I’m living it miserably – that I swear I won’t wanna remember for the rest of my life. Seriously, I’m losing interest in hell a lot of things that I once used to love. Isn’t that sad ?!

I lack of positivity and love. i so need to eliminate my negative thoughts and regain my confidence. I seriously need to not hate myself 1st.

all in all, it’s easier said than done.

Honestly what will become of me
don’t like reality
It’s way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don’t see
Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I’ll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don’t cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day ’til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.

“All Good Things (Come To An End)” by Nelly Furtado says it all.